Officials working at the water treatment plant next to Oakwood park have noticed a 76% increase in the levels of asbestos from an unknown source and have warned locals to either filter their own water or move to another town.
Government Officials recently paid a visit to the town. Here’s what they had to say about the situation: “I went to the town-hall and took a sip of some water from one of the fountains,” says one. “It gave me food poisoning. Well, actually, I guess water poisoning is the right term. I’ll be sure to address this public health hazard affecting the people of New Providence.”
As for another, the water gave him a one way trip to the E.R. He had no comment on this situation. “It tasted like fiberglass but worse,” reports one local resident who wishes to remain anonymous but claims to be an expert in fiberglass and asbestos and water.
The Scallion interviewed Head of Water Cleanliness on the topic, to discuss possible solutions. “COVID-19 has put us in a difficult situation,” said the man. “Due to decreased funding, we cannot afford to treat the water at this time. We’ve even resorted to dumping sewage in the Passaic River. We will be holding a town-wide bake sale in order to save up. Until we gain a couple of tens of millions of dollars, I suggest that the Pioneers here in New Providence go and buy some bottled water at the convenience stores.” It was clear that the man was quite nervous. Feeling dizzy, he went over to a nearby water fountain to take a sip of water. He immediately collapsed.
Town expert in asbestos Rutherford G. Haynes taught us at the Scallion what the health risks for the town were due to this event. “Asbestos is a naturally-forming mineral of the fibrous-silicate variety. It can be found in dirt and rocks essentially. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that tastes all that good.” Haynes started to look pale as we asked him about the consequences of consuming it. “Well, Asbestos Poisoning is the obvious one, but it also increases the chance of cancer forming.” For a while, nobody in New Providence had any idea where this harmful mineral came from. Some thoroughly believed Aliens had placed it there as part of their big revenge. Others thought criminals were involved from the county jail. However, 81
Update: As of December 13, the problem has been resolved I think…probably. Mostly because it tastes pretty good lately.
