When you’re on the battlefield and feel your tummy rumbling, you’ll have to grab an MRE (Meal Ready to Eat). Today you happened to grab Menu 14 which is Creamy Spinach Fettuccine. Here’s an honest review of all of its contents so you can make the right choice on the front lines.
Unboxing
We received Menu 14 manufactured by Ameriqual Packaging based in Evansville, Indiana 47710 with Julian date code 1133. Inside, you’ll find the following:
- 1x Flameless ration heater
- 1x Creamy spinach fettuccine (210 calories)
- 1x Pretzel nugget packet (Honey mustard & onion) (120 calories)
- 2x Cracker (170 calories)
- 1x Cran-Raspberry Flavor FIRST STRIKE NUTRITIOUS ENERGY BAR (260 calories)
- 1x Peanut butter (160 calories)
- 1x Chocolate Protein Drink Powder
- 1x Bill’s Brew Freeze Dried Coffee
- 1x CREAMER. NON-DAIRY, DRY FOR COFFEE OR TEA (20 calories)
- 2x Cinnamon flavor chewing gum
- 1x Water-resistant matches
- 1x Napkin
- 1x Moist towelette
- 1x Salt
- 1x Crushed Red Pepper
- 1x Tactical Military-Grade MRE Spoon (plastic)
Preparation
To cook, simply follow the directions on the flameless ration heater. It’s so easy a Marine could do it. Just rip, pour, wait! The creamy spinach fettuccine is cooked in about 15 minutes. DO NOT OVERFILL ABOVE THE FILL LINE OR ELSE FIRES WILL ENGULF YOU!!!
Review of each item
Cracker w/ Peanut Butter
Opening the cracker packaging was just slightly too difficult to call it efficient. Liberating the cracker from its communist packaging requires vigorous effort similar to that of starting a lawnmower. Due to its odd moisture content. the cracker simply shatters in this process. Forget about sharing it with anyone, the serrations were completely useless. Taste-wise, it was completely average. Slightly soft texture but is acceptable nonetheless. The addition of peanut butter blends quite well. Those with peanut allergies beware!
Pretzel Nugget (Honey Mustard & Onion flavor)
These were simply divine. The ratio of honey mustard and onion must’ve been crafted by omnipotent deities. If only there were more than like eight of them I could’ve eaten them until Johnny came marching home. Their trivial size and shape were more than optimized for efficient snacking. One must remember not to eat the silica gel packet, however.
Chocolate Protein Drink Powder
When preparing this beverage, add more water than necessary and shake as if you were an Amish child churning butter. Although we shook it with vigor, it was incredibly chunky with strange pockets of dry powder resurfacing at every sip. Probably healthy though with protein good. Tasted good at first with a strangely sweet aftertaste.
FIRST STRIKE (Cran-Raspberry Flavor)
Apart from its hypermasculine name and odd appearance (shown below), this energy bar was quite the treat with the same texture as an Airhead or similar chewy fruit candy along with pieces of fruit. The flavor was exactly as labeled. Breaking it apart was a strange experience so this might not be a very shareable item and it was quite filling and calorie-dense.
Creamy Spinach Fettuccine (Main course)
Although unappealing in the form of a condensed brick straight out of the packaging, simply mixing it with a fork or the included military-grade spoon makes it a deal more appetizing (shown below). The red pepper could be added to increase the spice and overall sophistication of the meal. The odor was quite pleasant and reminded us of Spaghetti-Os. The taste was also pretty great with the spinach not being overpowering and the cream harmonized together perfectly. This would boost my morale on any day.
Bill’s Brew Freeze Dried Coffee
Although we don’t know who Bill is, his coffee is pretty bitter and watery without cream or sugar. However, the included cream and sugar are sufficient to remedy this issue. The Scallion did a blind taste test with a real Americano brewed with an espresso machine and with real milk. The subject found no difference. It could give you the necessary jolt to start your day.
Miscellaneous included items
The moist towelette was oddly moist and smelled like a spring day. Perfectly sufficient to clean your hands and/or face.
The included matches were just garbage being incredibly hard to light. You’d be better off banging two rocks together like a caveman. In order to channel Prometheus’ gift, one must hold the end with the firey part with a vice grip. It’s an incredibly nerve-wracking process with one potentially burning flesh.
Napkins were sufficient in being napkins.
The two square pieces of gum were of cinnamon variety and lasts pretty long. At the time of writing at 7:19 PM EST on 26 January 2024, the Scallion has concluded the gum lasts exactly 462.3 chews. Once past this number, the gum turns into a piece of rubber which could potentially be used as adhesive.
Salt was as expected.
The included military-grade spoon was of utmost quality and tactical significance. The subtle details in the design of the spoon enable ergonomic consumption of sustenance and a tactical advantage. The Scallion measured that the spoon endured exactly 43.2 PSI of force on the middle of the handle.
Final Results
In conclusion, Menu item 14 was a pleasant surprise. The Scallion gives it an official rating of 742.6/824. Points were deducted due to the chocolate protein shake. The meal was incredibly filling and would have me ready to fight a war.