“I hate those darned daylight savings!” says the President
“I hate those darned daylight savings,” President Trump boldly claimed in an interview this past Sunday, likely in an effort to promote his populist idea to remove the outdated practice. “Think of it this way: your Grandma’s on her deathbed. Suddenly, an evil doctor comes in and deliberately turns the clock an hour forward! Sorry kids, Gam-Gam’s going to die.”
The Nation is Shaken
Trump’s claims rattled viewers. Fox News watcher Janis Lorpe gave her opinions: “I love Trump, I really do,” she began, in a textbook Tennessee twang. “My husband was there on January 6th.” Her husband, the famed figure decorated with American flag style face paint and a viking helmet, Cash Lorpe. “My thirty-month old Everleigh happened to be playing dolls the moment her idol Donald Trump uttered those spooky words! My mother has pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and has been struggling for months in the intensive care unit. Baby Everleigh still hasn’t shaken the fear that her Gam-gam isn’t going to make it!”
Let’s face it, Gam-Gam probably isn’t going to make it, but that’s due to illness and not the time of day. Other parents have shared Janis’ worry, sprawling to social media to express their fears.
“My son Barkley hasn’t looked at a clock since,” Quora user not_belindacarlisle aptly claimed.
“Donald John President has got all our youngsters afraid of daylight savings! And for no good reason,” said X poster Mitch_McConnell8.
The Origin of Daylight Savings
In order to fully understand the President’s motives in reciting this bizarre hypothetical, the Scallion team brought in historian and author of “Guns, Germs, and Steel”: Jared Diamond.
“I don’t care for that daylight savings malarkey,” asserted Diamond, in an accent too bizarre to accurately describe. “Frankly, I’m not scared of Trump and his threats. What I am scared of is loud firearms.”
When asked about the origin of the now-in-question practice, Diamond explained: “It actually began to be used in World War I times, and I am a self-proclaimed World War I enthusiast. You can quote me on that. I also really like sword fighting but don’t put that in.”
“The whole idea was conserving fuel as artificial lights could then be used less. Thus, daylight is extended and total warfare could continue.” Diamond then giddily laughed, as if to say, ‘please ask me more about this topic.’ Appropriately, he showed up to the interview in a concert tee for ‘Franz Ferdinand.’
“Now, if you’re asking me if I think we should keep this around,” he continued, “I say we follow in the tracks of Arizona and Hawaii and leave it behind! As much as I love to honor World War I.”
Two Exception States
Interestingly, both Arizona and Hawaii do not practice daylight savings time. Later on in the Trump interview, the President actually references this factoid, claiming that “our great nation should do what the great state of Arizona has been doing since 1721. The good old Grand Canyon state, famous for….” He then continued to ramble on about Arizona for approximately five minutes and twenty seconds. Additionally, a Scallion fact checker concluded that the state actually relinquished its observation of daylight savings time in 1968.
“Hawaii,” Trump then added, “well Hawaii is a big fat traitor of a state. I hope your volcanoes eat you up. Gobble you up and whatnot.” His rash comment was most likely due to his loss of the state in the 2024 election.
