Orange Flame at Orange Theory
As of December 1st, it has been reported that local business: Orange Theory has viciously crumbled to the ground after a massive, blazing inferno. We spoke to owner Mehmet Gourd about said event, and how it all started.
“…we missed the fire. I’m not going to lie, I don’t know how this happened”
-Chief volunteer firefighter
“It was really a shocker,” voiced Gourd. “I was on lunch break, leaving the business empty handed. Nobody goes to Orange Theory, so I assumed that it wouldn’t be too much of an issue.”
But this turned out to be false. Teenage hooligan Jackson Shay was hanging around the in-house kitchen preparing a breakfast burrito when he accidentally pressed 3,000 seconds instead of 30. We asked for a further comment from Shay, to which his family responded very angrily. His public defendant offered to come forward and present his client’s view on the whole situation.
“He didn’t get enough sleep the night before,” said the Lawyer. “There was an unfortunate event taking place at his home that prevented him from counting sheep at a normal hour.”
According to the man, Shay had been busily constructing a potion filled with bits and pieces of every single item in the fridge. From mustard to pound cake, the concoction was borderline against the Bible. Though many plumbing errors followed the action of the potion being poured down the sink, it wasn’t the cause of the fire.
“That morning, he said he resembled Scrooge at midnight, whatever that means,” he continued. “He fell asleep while typing the zeros into the microwave.”
When he eventually collapsed onto the floor, his head hit the enter button, leading to the treacherous blaze.
According to Gourd, the sight of the charring glow was like his days at war in ‘Nam.
“Couldn’t believe my glass eye,” he claimed. “Started crying. Business gone.”
A sobbing Mehmet was forced to view the heat combustion and its menacing glory from the outside the whole time. There was nothing he could do. We spoke to fire expert, Guy Fieri, about the experience and how it could’ve been prevented.
“I mean, there were so many red flags!” He quite literally screeched. “For one, the whole place did not have any fire alarms or fire extinguishers. Even if Gourd wanted to, he couldn’t have helped.”
Somehow, Jackson Shay was able to escape the devouring hearth after he suddenly woke from his slumbers due to the wretched sound of the building collapsing. He ran like the opposite of a snail and got out of there like there was no tomorrow.
“He was a lucky boy,” his lawyer added. “It could’ve been bad!”
Fire-Fighter Fire-Error
If there’s one thing that hasn’t been mentioned in this writing, it’s the firefighters. In every story regarding a heat combustion like this, there is a hero firefighter. However, in this story, there was no fighter at all. We spoke with the chief of New Providence’s volunteer Fire Corp. about his opinions on the malpractice presented on this rueful day.
Firefighter- “You see, every year, we have a…tradition. We go around in one of the trucks, Mike dresses up as ol’ Santy’ Claus, and we make the kids smile. Sometimes we give out little knickknacks and gift objects and that as a little bonus prize for the kiddies.”
Interviewer- “What you’re telling me…”
Firefighter (interrupting)- “Yes, yeah…we um…we missed the fire. I’m not going to lie, I don’t know how this happened.”
Interviewer- “Well surely there were some other fighters at the station, right? I can imagine you have more than one car there.”
Firefighter- “That’s the thing…”
Interviewer- “Don’t tell me every single firefighter goes along on this thing!”
Firefighter- “Every single firefighter comes with…I mean it’s tradition! What should we have done about it?”
As of December 12, the firehouse is facing a potential $500,000 suit against this malpractice. Mehmet hopes that they can pay for the damages in order to rebuild the never-used gymnasium.
